It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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