i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
