Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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