My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize