I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
