god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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