he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
