we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it because I queefed?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
