he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
