in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
