if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
