I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
