I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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