just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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