and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
