hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
