My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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