i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
