it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
