What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
don't judge my taste in strippers
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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