when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
