We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
