mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize