Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's just like the Real World with babies
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
