y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
