I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
