So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
thus making me awesome and them whores
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
