i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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