I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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