Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
