I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize