my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
