just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
