I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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