I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
