So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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