thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize