I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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