when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
