my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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