last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
