So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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