Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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