I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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