im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize