I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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