After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
