i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize