Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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