Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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