so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
