What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Can i not drive my cunt home
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
