Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
