It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
