dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
