Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How does one acquire holy water?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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