I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
