I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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