nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
