Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
