Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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