he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
