During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
