All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I cannot find my penis.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
