He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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