my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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