did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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